Faith and Anxiety

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Over the past couple of months, several people have approached us, saying that they think Gage's eyes look better. Looking back at pictures from the last three months (since Gage started taking his dissolving chemo pills), it seems to us that there have been some changes, and we, too, think his eyes look better. Gage's eyes seemed to be protruding, which is why we went to the doctor in the first place if you are unsure of what I am talking about. Of course, to know for sure if things are getting better inside Gage, some scans need to be done to see what is going on inside him. The fact is, we might think that we see improvement, but the only thing that will tell us for sure if the medicine he is taking has been working is a full-body scan. Of course, we have been worried about Gage's eyes, but we also realize that there are lesions all over his bones from his head to his toes (quite literally).

Over the past couple of weeks, my anxiety has been slowly on the rise. Two weeks prior, we had a Zoom meeting with Gage's doctor to discuss the results of his blood work. It seems like there is always some reason to be anxious. We have been receiving all these sweet and encouraging cards from fellow members of Christian Healthcare Ministries who have heard about Gage. There have been several that have been very encouraging, but one in particular will stick with me for some time. A lady (I imagine an older lady, but I have no way of knowing how old she is) said that she remembered walking through cancer. She went on to explain that even though her trust was in Christ, she relied on His power; there were particular times in which her anxiety would rise. I don't remember how exactly she put it (far better than I did), but it resonated with me.

Could it be that my faith in Christ Jesus isn't perfect? Of course, that is true. My faith in Christ Jesus is far from perfect, and this makes what Christ has done for me all the more wonderful. Where I am weak, Jesus is strong! In other words, where we daily fall short of God's standard, that didn't happen to Jesus. Jesus' life was completely perfect in every respect - where my faith in God was weak, the Lord Jesus' faith was perfect for mine. To put it another way, sins are not held against those who put their imperfect faith in Christ Jesus because Jesus' perfect obedience covers their imperfect obedience the moment they trust in Christ for their salvation. This is what we call the glorious doctrine of imputation - in faith, our sin is exchanged for the perfect righteousness of Jesus.

I think about this when my anxiety starts to rise, which it always does when we are waiting for results. Today, we spent the day at the Mayo Clinic undergoing scans of Gage's body to assess how the medicine is working in his body. For the past couple of weeks, I have been struggling as the tests have been approaching. We mention that we are going to Mayo, and people start telling us how they think his eyes look better, and they are sure that the news we get will be good. I, too, believe that Gage's eyes look better, but at the same time, I can't see what's happening in that little body, and there's no way to know other than to wait for the scans and test results.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot over the past several months. One of the biggest things is that my faith isn't as strong as I thought it was. Generally, I am not as strong as I thought I was. As the Lord continues to reveal these things to me and then provides them over and over again in ways I would have never thought possible, I am grateful for the doctrine of imputation—that where I am weak, Jesus was strong for me.

We made it to Mayo this morning and found where we were supposed to be, and the lady at the desk greeted us by saying, "Is this Gage? We have been waiting for him!" We were almost 30 minutes early for our appointment, and we ended up waiting for several minutes while they arrived to pick us up. We went back to the room and realized that the nurse anesthetist was the same one who had taken care of Gage before, and she remembered him! They gave Gage some gas that made him go to sleep (as he screamed and fought the mask). While Gage was sleeping, they put an IV in his arm and took some blood for labs. The blood lab lady compared herself to the tooth fairy and said that she took Gage's blood and left him with a toy duck. After a while, we were taken to another part of the hospital where the scans would be performed, and at this point, Gage was awake. They administered some contrast agent through Gage's IV, and then we had to wait for about an hour before they could perform the scans. They finally came and got Gage for the scan and put him back to sleep, and then we were taken back to the room where we were with him at the beginning. After Gage was finished, they brought him back to his room, and we waited with Nurse Tara for Gage to wake up. So, the scans are finished (this time), and now we will meet with Gage's oncologist tomorrow morning to discuss the results.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. We cannot say enough how much your love and care for Gage and our family has meant to us. Thank You doesn't seem adequate, but we are thankful for all of you!