Ups and....

Gage was so good and so brave on our trip to Mayo this past week (if you missed the last update, find it here). Desirae and I mentioned several times how he is growing up and knowing what to expect. That doesn't mean that he was free of anxiety and fear - he wasn't. We were telling him, "You will just go to sleep, and then it will be over." When we talked about it, he started telling Desirae and me that he didn't like us for making him go to sleep. I noticed that when Gage gets scared, his bottom lip quivers -- it is like he is trying to contain the anxiety. I do the same. This past year, I have noticed that I bite my bottom lip because it starts to quiver as tears begin to well up. I don't like to see my boy feel that way for even a moment.

I bring this up because last time I mentioned 1 Peter 5:6-7, but only talked about verse 6. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." The word "casting" in verse seven literally means to hurl or throw upon. Just think about this for a moment. Verse six describes God as sovereign and all-powerful, as the reason for us to humble ourselves before him. It is because God is sovereign and all-powerful that we are expected to hurl our anxieties on Him. It struck me that we are not to cast anxieties only on Him, but on all of them. The picture is that when we face trouble that produces anxiety, we then turn to God, who has everything in His hands, the One who is in control of all things, and nothing takes Him by surprise, and we throw our anxiety on Him. How many anxieties of ours can He handle? All of them. Why would the almighty Creator of the universe tell us to cast our anxieties on Him? The answer is given, "because he cares for you." God is not only strong and capable of handling our anxieties, but He also loves us so much that He wants to bear that weight on our behalf. I would trade places with Gage in a moment. If there were something - anything that I could do to take his anxiety and bring him comfort, again, I would do it in a heartbeat. Our Father God loves and cares for us in an even more perfect way than I care for Gage: He allows us to cast our anxieties on Him.

Human beings often overestimate their ability and underestimate their inability. For instance, I believe I can handle these things better than I do. The fact is, I am not as humble as I think I am. If I were, I would realize the need to cast all these anxieties on Him. What are anxieties? Worries, cares, difficulties, or anything that weighs us down and draws our gaze from Christ. Notice that God doesn't promise to remove the source of our anxiety -- that isn't what we are talking about. In fact, in Matthew 6:34, Jesus makes it clear that the source of our anxieties is not taken away from us. Some might think this all sounds strange: Why would God, if He truly cares for us, not take away from us what is causing our anxiety? The answer is that we might see our inability, turn to, and trust and depend on God, who can handle all of our cares.

This raises the efficient question of how the casting of our anxiety on God actually works. How do we throw our cares upon God? How do we experience God's love and concern for us in the midst of trials by casting our anxieties upon Him? I suggest that this is simple to assert but more challenging to put into practice. Simply, casting our anxiety on God is resting in God's good provision and His loving character. In the midst of trial we must constantly be reminded of God's goodness, that He has a puprose for every trial that He allows, that He will work all things for good (Rom 8:28), that trials in our lives produce steadfastness leading ultimatly to the completion and perfefection that God has in store for those who believe in Him (Phil 1:6; James 1:2-4). Why is this so difficult? The answer should be obvious; our propensity is to rest in our own effort and power. The gospel is so difficult for people to grasp because it is so counterintuitive; it is our nature to rest in our own goodness and effort in some regard. This was an issue throughout the New Testament: some said that you must believe in Jesus, but you must also be obedient in some way to merit salvation (Acts 15:2; 1 Tim 13-7). The inclination is the same for the believer; we naturally turn inward and rest in our own ability and our godliness. I could tell you story after story of failure in my Christian walk because I believed myself incapable of making poor choices. I am continually being shown to be a slow learner, for before I realize it, I have been resting in my own strength, which is ultimately shown to be insufficient. Rest in Christ. Jesus is enough. Jesus cares for me and gives us hope and strength to walk through whatever we face next.

Whatever we face next, let me fill you in a little on where we are now. On Thursday, Gage had an MRI of his head. We wanted to see a decrease in the lesions around his eyes and in a few other areas of his skull. The last couple of reports have been so good that we almost expected continued improvement, but that wasn't the case. Actually, the lessons slightly increased in size, which is definitely not the news we wanted to hear. We actually got this report late Thursday afternoon and had a chance to review it before we spoke with Gage's oncologist on Friday afternoon. That is good and bad. The bad part is that neither Desirae nor I is really good at reading those kinds of reports, because sometimes we think something sounds "bad," but it really isn't. In this case, it was pretty obvious things were going in the wrong direction. The benefit of getting the report before we meet with the doctor is that we can discuss it and plan what we want to ask.

Remember Gage's dental woes? Well, as it turns out, my sister works at Mayo with a pediatric dentist who specializes in kids with special healthcare needs. My sister mentioned Gage to her, and she wants to see Gage. The story gets even more interesting, as it turns out Gage's oncologist knows this dentist very well and thinks the world of her. The two doctors connected about Gage before I had a chance to reach out to Gage's doctor. This is the providence of God.

On Friday, we went to have an MRI of Gage's heart. Things were incredibly slow. It was all very frustrating. But the people at Mayo are such a blessing in the midst of it all. As they were taking Gage from the "holding room" to the place where they would put him to sleep and do the MRI, they told Gage that we were going on a "tractor hunt." You see, Gage told everyone that he loved (John Deere) combines and tractors. We got to the room, and there was a good-sized John Deere tractor sitting on the bed. I am not sure whether they got it, but it was one of the larger, heavier ones made of metal. They told Gage that it was his, that he could take it home with him.

During all of this, I sent a message to Gage's team to let them know we would be late for our appointment. The response I received said, "Gage's doctor is aware that he will be late and wanted you to be sure that you have lunch before you get here - there are no worries on our end." We were only 45 minutes late in the end. Gage's oncologist went over the MRI with us - she read every line and explained it to us. In the end, she explained that there was no reason to change anything we have been doing. If things keep trending this way, there is a second medication that they might put Gage on (which was always an option), but we opted for the single drug because Gage is so little, and the risk of side effects increases if we add another medication. We are continually in awe of how God has directed our path and guided us to this specific doctor. She cares for Gage like she would her own child. She is continuously thinking not only about his current treatment but also about two or three steps down the road and the long-term effects of the decisions we make.

Do you believe that children (a four-year-old, for instance) can tell if people care about them? I do. Gage loves his doctor. He talks about her all the time. When she performs a physical examination of him, he smiles and laughs, and the anxiety we see at other appointments is absent. When we were getting ready to leave, we told Gage to say goodbye to Dr. O, and he went and gave her a big hug (I wish I had gotten a picture, but I was taken off guard). He doesn't get it, but I couldn't help but think of how God put her in Gage's life to quite literally save his life. It was special.

On Friday evening, we went to my sister's house for supper, and it was so fun to see Gage play with his cousins. My sister's family has a huge dog - I don't know what kind it is, but the thing is gigantic (I'll get a picture next time). Gage was excited to see the dog and didn't seem afraid of it. He was wild and chased his cousin around until they were ridiculously sweaty. It was a good ending. We were at the Ronald McDonald House that evening, and I asked Gage if he was ready to go home. I was a little apprehensive about asking because he had been talking about going to the Ronald McDonald House for weeks before our trip. He loves that place. At the prospect of going home and seeing his brothers, he danced!

Rest in Jesus.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." ~ Matthew 11:28-30

"My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;

he violated his covenant.

His speech was smooth as butter,

yet war was in his heart;

his words were softer than oil,

yet they were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the Lord,

and he will sustain you;

he will never permit

the righteous to be moved.

But you, O God, will cast them down

into the pit of destruction;

men of blood and treachery

shall not live out half their days.

But I will trust in you."

~ Psalm 55:20-23

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